End of R&R

When I got off the plane in Kuwait, it really wasnt as ungodly hot as I thought it would be.  It was the middle of the night, but it was also 100 degrees.  It didnt feel like 100.  Not having the sun beating on you helps.  We were whisked away on the cute little Haji busses to somewhere "secret" (specifically instructed not to take pictures - like the enemy doesnt know after all this time where we go to and from right?). 
  I don't think I've ever explained the Haji busses.  Haji busses are like... well, they are like airport shuttle busses... with 2 seats on one side of the aisle and 1 on the other side and then each row has a drop down seat.  Actually its a good idea, rather than either having someone stand in the aisle or have it empty.  The haji busses make use of that space.  So, Haji busses move us around and are also the primary means of transportation on the big FOBs.
  So, the Haji busses take us back to the FOB in Kuwait where we did out outgoing stuff and once there we do our incoming stuff (get a room and then get told where to go next).  Our bags were supposed to be sniffed by dogs, but that didnt happen for one reason or another.
   Once there, my mission was to get a ride back to my FOB in Iraq.  Either said than done, especially with a last name that begins with "Z" and everything is pretty much done alphabetically.  I came into Kuwait with about 6 people from my unit going to the same place (just make a note of that).
   I'm kinda into going by the rules and not jumping the line, so I just follow along with the plan and get things at the same time and the same way as everyone else.  I don't mind. 
   Pretty much it seems like the method there is, 1. put people on a list to go wherever they need to go.  2.  Tell them to come back at x time to see if they made the list for the next plane out.
   They have about 4 formations a day to figure out when and if you are going somewhere and in between those formations times, you get to go out and run around the FOB - within a well contained area.
   I wandered around the FOB area for awhile, but it was hot as hell, and I was tired - but couldnt sleep because I had to be at the next meeting at x time which was only 4 hours away and if I went to bed, I knew I would sleep for a loooong time - and they always threaten you with death (or worse - staying in Iraq for another tour) if you miss any of the seemingly random formation times they put out.  Ok, not death, but they do threaten to get you in trouble.  I suspect its actually too much paperworjk to ACTUALLY get you in trouble, but I don't like test things sometimes.
   So, as it turns out, nothing changed from when I left when I got back and boredom quickly set in.  I hung out in the MWR taking my turn on the computer and on the phone back home.  I really miss home pretty much all the time and every phone call is like a mini oasis.
   I'm sure some people think I call home too much and have too much contact with my family.  I think that's the stupidest thing I've heard in a LONG time.  It seems to be a common misconception that if you only call home once in a while (say, once a week) that your family will somehow miss you less, and worry less.  And there is some merit to the worry argument, but I still think its stupid.  Wait, let me rephrase that.  It would be stupid for me, because thats not how MY family works.  Some people don't tell their families the truth about life here - I do.  Some people say everything is happy go lucky and we are safe as houses all the time - but we aren't and I'm not going to lie about it to make anyone feel better.  Why?  Because unless they are completely ignorant of world events, they know that its not all daisies and roses and happy smiling children.  They know its dangerous.  Why would someone lie to their family for the sake of maintaining a facade that everyone knows isn't real?  I don't know why.  But, I tell my family the truth as I see it to the fullest extent I can and still maintain OPSEC.  So, bad news for anyone reading this who might be hearing other stuff from their spouses or sons or daughters who are here.  If you want ignorance - stop reading  this and go back to Saturday morning cartoons and Ozzie and Harriet and the Donna Reed Show.  If you aren't afraid of a little truth, by all means keep reading.  I can't guarantee excitement (my job is not one that routinely involves any extra danger), but I will guarantee honesty. 
   So, now that I'm done ranting on that... I forgot where I was.  Still in Kuwait I'm sure because I was there forever.  At the first formation, I find out that everyone from my unit got on an earlier flight and left already.  Great.  Now, I'm all by myself.  I think its better that way.  No one to tell me where to go or any of that.  Just me.At some point I made it on a list.  BUT, the list was for a day or two later.  However, there was an open slot on a soon to be outgoing C-130 that I asked if I could have and was given.  Whoo hoo!  As much as I hate to say it, being back on my FOB is better than being in Kuwait.  I have my own stuff, my own time, and I still don't do very much.
   Another Haji-bus ride later, I'm back behind a green AirForce C-130.  The last one I was behind was still running.  Let me say, walking into the rear of a C-130 (where the door is) while its running is somewhat what I would imagine the first few steps leading into hell are like.  About 100 feet back from the plane it gets hot and the wind blows against you like a blow dryer set to high(er).  Then you trudge forward against the blast of the four huge propeller engines towards the black maw.  Each step seems to include a temperature increase of 10 degrees and by the time you are within 10 feet of the drop down door, you feel like the cake you put in the over at 400.  Actually, it feels just like when you open that oven with your face too close and you get that superheated air rushing out at you - except it doesnt stop.  Then you finally get in the plane and get to sit on a a drop down seat that is like a cargo net with bars for supports.  Usually, you are unluckly enough to sit ON a bar that runs right up your ass and all your weight (which is actually YOUR weight plus 50 pounds for your body armor and crap) rests on this very uncomfortable metal bar against your tailbone. 
  So, this is where I was.  On the seat, but I DIDN'T have the bar, just the net - I got lucky this time.  Its hot in the plane.  Probably about 110-115.  But, we know that in a short while (an hour or so) we will be getting off the plane and get back onto solid ground.  So we suck it up, buckle up and get ready to go.
   The crew loads up the pallet of cargo - a pallet is a big metal plate about 15x15 where you put all your cargo that yo uaren't carrying on you - like you duffle bag or whatever.  Personally, I packed super-light to avoid said pallet and the pain in the ass that it is.  The way the pallet works is that everyone puts their stuff down near it and other people come and put it gently on the pallet, then set everyone elses stuff gently on yours.  THEN once that is done, they take more cargo nets and ratchet them down against your bags until they are thoroghly crushed - but stable.
   So, they load up the pallet of everyone's crap (about 50 of us) and then start to close the door.  Apparently it doesnt close all the way, and a little warning light goes off so they open it back up and begin to screw with it.  Once they screw with it for awhile they try to close it again and it makes this wonderful grinding, clicking, screetching noise that would mean your car engine just siezed - if it were a car engine.  But, its not a car engine and so that horrible noise just means they have to open it back up and try again.  After awhile, I get tired of the sweatbox torture and take off my IBAS and uniform top until we get going.  Its safe in Kuwait.  Everyone else on the plane does the same.
    At some point the door closes with an acceptable amount of clanking and grinding and screetching and we're off.
   While we're flying over Baghdad I realize that the GPS picture on the commerical plane we flew into Kuwait on went right over Baghdad.  I wonder why that plane cant just land at Baghdad and send us on our way from there... I will probably never get an answer.
   Finally we land and get off.  The engines are going, so its like walking OUT of hell.  Which is better than walking in.  Then we wait on the Tarmac until another Haji bus comes along.  Everyone else on the FOB is going to stay on THAT FOB, but not me, I still have another trip to take.
   I go to the heliport area (because the next leg of my flight involves a helicopter).  There is no helicopter out to where I'm going until at least the next night - and probably not even then.  I call my unit and they tell me I'm SOL until the next day because there is no patrol in the area or planned in the area for awhile.
   The next day I'm told that there could be a flight at 1000 and that I should sit in the building and wait.  So I do.  And I wait and wait and wait until 3pm.  At which point a bus comes and we drive around here and there trying to catch a helicopter that seems to be everywhere EXCEPT where we are.  Eventually, I got on the helicopter and back to my FOB. 
   FOB sweet FOB.  It aint home and it aint R&R, but its better than nothing.  And everyone is happy to see me.  Especially my Platoon Sergeant who is now grateful that he never decided to become and officer.  He hates my job.  I'm glad he does.  I like my job.  And I like that no one else does.  I HATE it here, no question about that.  And I can't wait to go home, to be with my family - with those that love me and whose support is all I need.  And, hopefully my next job will not include Iraq or Afghanistan, but some cushy job in a plush office overlooking a pretty park or something.  And I will get off work at 2pm everyday - except Fridays (because Fridays are days off in this job).  Oh and every once in a while, I get to take trips to foreign countries (with my wife) for seminars of meetings or some other crap that doesnt involve actual work.  The kids get free babysitting while I'm gone. 
  Does this job exist?  Probably not, but I have a while to search for it.