Monster in the Closet

As the time gets closer for a happy little trip to the desert (somewhere far far away), I began to feel like there is a monster in my closet. Everyday that passes, the monster gets bigger, feeding on old shirts and memories. He is a hairy monster and very big, but he started off small, like a bacteria.
One day, long long ago, I realized that this monster was in my closet, but he was so small, it was like he didn't exist. Sure, every once in awhile I'd hear him scratching at the door, but it was no big deal - it was a big door. The thing is, he isn't a regular monster that growls and roars and craws and scratches. Quite the opposite actually, he is very quiet and hardly makes a sound, but he grows constantly. What was once a small monster, able to be put in the closet and forgotten about, he is now huge. The closet door is straining at its hinges, and blue fur sticks out in places where the strain has forced gaps. I can't help but notice the monster on an almost constant basis, but I try very hard not to let him out. I push on the door and sometimes succeed in getting it back in place, but everyday it gets harder and harder. The monster will get out, but until it does, I don't want to think about it.
My wife knows about the monster too, and it weighs on her more than I can imagine. Her monster is bigger than mine, although maybe not as scary - it weighs more, but mine has sharper teeth. Her monster also makes more noise than mine and is harder to control. Every day he is on the news, in the paper, on the screen. His visage is plastered everywhere, and she knows what he looks like in the closet - and it scares her. I'm a bit luckier, my monster is nearly faceless, for I've never seen him up close, but I know what he can do. Most times, the monster gets out, plays around for awhile and shrinks away, but sometimes it gets out of control and devoures those around it, tearing with gleaming white, razor sharp teeth and spilling the blood of those around it. My monster doesn't seem like that, he is docile and quiet.

And I hope he remains that way - even after he pops the hinges and escapes my closet.

A bit on Stress

Stress

Everyone responds to stressful situations differently and part of dealing with stress in knowing how you, personally, respond to it.  

I happen to know that under stressful situations, when others may be unnerved or anxious, I have a tendency to internalize the stress which mean I tend to remain calm and collected (or at least appear that way).  This is generally a good thing, because it maintains order and usually helps to calm others down.

Under continued, ongoing stress, however, the internal pressure builds and I have a tendency to become somewhat impatient and short where I wouldn’t usually.  I have especially noticed this recently in regards to my children who can be demanding, but usually not to the point of being upsetting.  I have noticed that I have had an especially short fuse with them recently, but I think I have been relatively successful in recognizing it when it is occurring and toning down my response before it gets out of hand.  Even though my response is normal, the feelings inside are far from it.  My heart races and my head throbs (although that makes it sound wore than it is).

The impending deployment is steadily becoming more stressful and taking its toll.  It is like adding one pound blocks daily to a board on top of you.  Each individual weight isn’t much, but it adds up, and I now adding up quickly.  Its becoming harder and harder to find an activity or time that I don’t have that feeling inside, the twisting knot in the stomach, the sense that the acids inside are eating away at me.

Tomorrow I come off leave and go back to work.  Will it alleviate some of the stress, possibly magnified by the lack of work?  Or will it simply increase the stress because of the unending reminder about what lies ahead?

It would be easier to just magically appear where we are going, and be done with the deployment itself.  Once there, it will be a steady ongoing pressure, but it will be better than the building up of the pressure.  In the words of a song from the new DM album, “just give me a pain that I’m used to.”

Soldier's Reason

Ok, so I wrote this awhile back, but I've never put it up anywhere, so it still counts as an update, so there. Feel free to pass it on, or not.

SOLDIER’S REASON

Some wonder why we fight
So far away from home
Why we give our blood
For those we’ve never known

We fly across the oceans
To meet our deadly foes
On their lands and cities
Instead of on our shores

We fight for others’ freedom
To ensure our own survival
We fight for them today
So we don’t fight for us tomorrow

We could serve at home
Away from all the trouble
Secure in our own freedoms
In our happy little bubble

But if we don’t meet them far away
We’ll surely meet them here
With rounds going through our windows
Threatening those we hold dear

So even though we hate it
Being thousands of miles away
We’re thankful that we’re there
Holding the wicked at bay

And when you see some Soldiers
Relaxing in their homes
Thank them for their service
In the combat zones

We may be home today
We may be gone tomorrow
Every day we serve
For the freedom of those who follow

- A Soldier

"I love you this much!" - Dave Gahan (Depeche Mode) 

Depeche Mode Concert

So, yesterday, my lovely wife and I took a little trip to Denver for a Depeche Mode concert.
Depeche Mode is a synthesyzer(sp?) band that was very popular in the 80's. Since then, they have gone their separate ways and have now come back together and produced an album, "Playing the Angel," which has a very classic DM feel but fits in very well with the current generation of music.

So, we purchased tickets on-line through a seller on EBAY for roughly face value - on the floor, 11th row. I was a little dissapointed that we couldn't get better seats, but it all worked out in the end.

We drove up to Denver during the day, witnessed a small vehicle accident on the way, and arrived just in time to make a quick visit the the 16th Street Market. We checked out the Barnes and Noble and the Starbucks very well, but didn't catch much of the rest of the market - I guess more for next time.

We waited outside the Magness Arena on the Denver University Campus from about 6:30pm until they let us in a 7:00pm-ish. The first thing they told us was that we could not bring outside food or drink (including a can of pop from the pop-machine located about 100 feet away), chains (where did that come from?), or cameras. Well, as it turned out, I had a camera on me, and didn't feel like going back to the truck, so I hid it and went it when it was time. I thought it was curious that they said "no" to those things but failed to even mention knives, guns, or bombs.

When they brought us in they, "searched" us with a quick pat down that might have been sufficient to discover if I was concealing a machine gun, rocket launcher, or ICBM, but not much else. My camera was safe.

Once inside, I discovered why there was no outside food or drinks, or chains allowed. They had sufficient food and drinks inside for the very reasonable price of $3.00 for a small bottle of water, or $4.50 for a cup of soda. If people had had chains, I'm sure they would have used them - where is the government to investigate soda and water price gouging at these events? I didn't even look at the food, I'm sure I couldn't afford it. We went to find our seats carrying one cup of liquid gold.

The auditorium was virtually empty when we arrived, and we felt good about our chances of moving up once the concert started. The opening band came on (The Bravery I think their name was), and we listened to them play. I guess they were good, but I couldn't make out very many words that they were saying - it had a very punkish feel to it. The beat was good.

During the intermission between the two bands, we went out and walked the corridors and watched the people. It was interesting to see what kind of people the band had drawn to the concert. The range of characters was amazing: there were older (50's ish) folks all the way down to a girl who couldn't have been more than 6. People were dressed like they just came from the office, and some were dressed in black with white make-up. One lady even had on a shiny black outfit, from head to toe - including the hat.

The concert itself was great, and had two encores. The auditorium really filled up and I'd say it was almost a sold out show. We managed to get right up against the stage and I managed to get some decent pictures too! I did have to watch out for the security guard guy, because I think he was watching me. What's the big deal with pictures anyway?

So, the concert ended and we went out and bought some concert gear - two shirts, a keychain and two coffee mugs which came to an amount I'm not clear about and probably don't want to know. Whatever it was, it was worth it. How many times do you actually get to leave the kids at home and go to a concert with your wife?

The concert was loud, and I felt like I had mufflers on my ears when it was over. My hearing is better today.

Afterwords, we thought we could go out back and wait for the band to come out and sign autographs and we waited and waited by the vans they would be getting into. Soon after our waiting started a rent-a-cop came and told us we had to get on the sidewalk (about 200 feet away). Someone asked what would happen if we didn't move - then the cops were called. It must have been a slow night in Denver because about 5 minutes later they showed up and shooed everyone to the sidewalk.

After waiting another half hour to forty-five minutes, some vans drove by with dark tinted windows - and that was it. They were gone. We kept talking with other fans for a while until the police came back and as it turns out, you can't even stand on the public sidewalk in Denver anymore. We were told to move on - maybe the crowd of 15 was a little bit scary for the University to handle. If it hadn't been drizzling and 40 degrees I would have felt more inclined to express my constitutional right to assembly on the public sidewalk, but it was cold and I didn't have a sweater. My comfort took priority over my need to make a statement.

DISCLAIMER details:

Originally this was started to be anonymous, but as it turns out, that is kinda hard to do. So, I've settled for this being semi-anonymous. My family knows who I am, and so they know who wrote what; which leaves me with a little bit of a dilema: Do I continue as usual and simply write what's there? Or, do I focus the tone of the writing, knowing who is reading? In the interest of maintaining the spirit of the site I've decided to write the usual, but have added the disclaimer - essentially saying, "I'm sorry if this offends or upsets you, but read at your own risk."

With that said, let's carry on.

Response to a comment...

In response to the previous entry, I had an interesting comment that I worth expounding on – and I did in a commented response – but I think it and the response are worthy enough to put into a new post – AND it keeps my stuff updated without really adding anything new – because I don’t really have anything new, yet. I’m beginning block leave and that’s about it.

ANONYMOUS WRITES:
“I find your post very interesting. one: You are a Soldier ready to deploy soon (ie SRP) and you are contemplating death and the after-life. Do you think that you might die while in Iraq? Is your job that dangerous? Are you having thought of why you are going?Two: Your grasp of human religious needs is extraordinary. I believe I read some teachings of Plato and Socrates that have described almost the same belief. You learn more each time. I am sorry that you have to fight this war for your country. I feel sorry for your wife and family. You are leaving them to fight for something that sounds like you really don't believe in. America has joined this "War of the Gods." And have people like you who do not know where you stand with God, doing the fighting and experiencing the bloodshed.”

MY RESPONSE:

Addressing the 'anonymous' post above:I wouldn't say that I am contemplating death any more now than I have in the past. Death is the inevitable end to the current life. I have given no real thought to specifically dying while deployed. I do not think that my job is very dangerous and I'd say that statistically, I will be less likely to die in Iraq than I am here. Why? In Iraq, my job keeps me in a secure location that has seen diminishing attacks by insurgents. My chances of being killed by enemy activity (which is really the only chance of being killed there now) are slim. I won't be going on patrols, I won't be in a guard tower or watching the gate. I suspect that my greatest threat will be from the stray mortar round that may or not be fired. I have a greater chance of dying here, in a car accident, or falling down the stairs than I do of being killed in Iraq. So, I am not contemptlating death based on a sudden increase in chance of testing my eternal-mortality, but merely as an attempt to explain what I think could be the afterlife.I have read some Plato and thereby Socrates, and in fact have a fantastic translation of the works at my home that I would like to take with me, but its rather flimsy and wouldn't survive... I digress and ramble again. I am sure that I will continue to brush up on my ancient philosophers 'over there' and I suppose we'll see where we end up.Don't be sorry for me. I don't need pity and the Soldiers who are over there don't need it either. My family will suffer worse than I. It is interesting though, thinking about it, if situations were reversed, and my wife had to go and not me, I would be the first to say, 'I would rather it be me that goes.' And so in that regard, I guess I'm glad it IS my and not her. My family is strong and will perservere. They might not always understand why, or agree with what has to be done, but they will pull through. That kind of goes along the lines of the title of this page - "Per Incendia" - "By Fire" - which makes us stronger for the experience.As to whether I believe in what we are doing. In a previous post, further down the page, is a shrot discourse on Iraq and there is a discussion on what I believe regarding this. The bottom line is, I think that the 'bad guys' are not going to stop attacking us - regardless of where we are. I would rather force them to fight on their ground, from their buildings, with their families being the collateral damage than to quit the fight in Iraq for a few months or years of peace while they rebuild and once again come to us. We all remember 9/11 and the same people are the ones attacking us still. If for one minute we think they won't come knocking here again, I think the British have a more recent memory we should draw from.America hasn't joined a "War of the Gods." America has joined in a battle for the security of its people by engaging the enemy in a foreign land - away from my family and yours. The fact that we are engaging them in a land that has been decimated by years and decades and centuries of war is more or less pointless. We are not there to convert them to America's religion, but to give them an opportunity they haven't been given before - to govern themselves free from fear. Once their government is established and their security forces are sufficient to defend them, we will leave. Once that happens, maybe they fall back into a dictatorship or maybe they thrive as a free nation - either way, we will have done our part to give them the chance.This is not a Crusade by the Christian America to convert the heathen Muslims, but a noble effort by the richest nation in the world to perhaps bring a modicum of peace and stability to a nation whose children have never known any such thing.I am confident in my stand with God. I am confident that - as my wife like to quote Galileo - "I do not feel obliged to believe that the same God who has endowed us with sense, reason, and intellect has intended us to forgo their use." By using these gifts, we come closer to understanding.--I guess at this point I have to rescind a previous statement wherein I claimed that no one reads these things. And I am glad for it.

Religion - an interesting thing

As we prepare to go to a foreign country and fight an insurgency that is fanatical to the point of blowing themselves up to kill one or two of us, it occurs to me that most of the world’s ills and wars have had something to do with organized religion. It also has occurred that although there are tons of religions in the world, most of them come down to a few basic beliefs that most hold in common. In light of these revelations, I present this short synopsis on my views of religion and the belief in a higher power.

From the beginning of time, man has sought to quantify all things – counting numbers, making pictures on cave walls, and so on. We do this in order to be able to come to grips with the expanse of things we don’t know. What is beyond space? What was before us? What happens when we die? We have developed organized religion as a tool that helps to explain those questions that would otherwise boggle the mind.

It seems that most religions have key beliefs at the core and they are:
1. Usually a single deity that set everything in motion.
2. Some sort of earthy representation of that deity that came down and gifted us with heavenly knowledge.

Looking at the biggest, longest lasting religions in the world, we see these core beliefs. In Christianity: God is the Deity that created the earth, etc, etc. Jesus is the earthly representation.
In Islam: Allah is the Deity (oddly enough, Allah is also one of the names for God in the Bible), and Mohammad taught the ways of Jesus. Islam and Christianity have almost no reason to be different religions. They are more like different sects of the same religion – Protestent, Catholics, Baptists and Muslims. They all believe the same general thing.

The way I see it is this:
Yes, there is a God who set things in motion way back when.
Yes, there is life after death, but as to what form it takes is anyone’s guess,
My personal thoughts on that are that this life is one where you learn about the greater picture of the universe by experiencing the everyday human ordeal. Your spirit (for lack of a better word) is an on-going being that leaves your body upon death and goes back into the universal plane of existence, on a different level than this one.

- A brief tangent on your spirit – I think that your spirit is what gives your body life. Without a spirit your body is just a mass of flesh and bone. This can be shown by the fact that no matter how much you shock with electricity, or inject drugs into someone after they are dead, you cannot make them alive again – even if all the organs and body parts all fully functional. Without the spirit a body has no life. Where does the spirit “live” in the body? My best guess is that it resides somewhere in the brain. You can lose limbs, organs, and numerous body parts and still be alive, but once your brain is damaged or destroyed, your spirit has no place to reside and you die.

So, once the spirit is again free of a physical life it is free to wander around the universe, check out the planets, the galaxies, and stuff that are out there. The purpose of a spirit life is to experience and learn until your spirit is maxed out on knowledge and experience – which I’m going to guess takes longer than can be imagined. As a spirit you can travel at will, but I don’t think that emotions or physical things play a big part in the spirit world. That is why your spirit must live in a physical body – to experience that which cannot be experienced in the spiritual realm. I suspect that you have some modicum of control of what you choose to be born as, but have no idea about the future of that life until you live it. The more you experience in each life, the closer you come to attaining the ultimate (although possibly unattainable) goal of absolute knowledge. The spirit’s experience outside the body is highly limited and passes too fast to be absorbed, which is why we choose to be born into a physical form – it slows down the experience gaining process, but enables a more complete understanding of what is being experienced.
Sometimes we choose to be born into a life of prosper, of riches, and other times we choose to be born into a simpler, poorer way of life. Why would anyone choose live a poorer life? For the experience. When you make the decision about what to be born into, you have all the past experiences and lives to draw on, but once you are in that body, living that life, you don’t realize that you chose to be there and that you are gaining experience that you deemed necessary. You may hate your life, but you are the one who chose to learn something from it – so why not do so to the fullest? Once you leave your body, you are instantly reunited with your past experiences and lives and, at that time, decide what to do next. Maybe you died too early in your life to get what you wanted out of it. So you try the same thing again. Maybe you try it differently. But, you will try it again.
This theory of reincarnation helps to unravel some of the mysteries that cannot be otherwise explained – such as Bach, Beethoven, and other geniuses that be incredible things at an early age. Somehow, when they entered their new life, they retained some portion of their past lives and experiences that enable them to start quicker in their new life. I think that this is a glitch in the system, but is allowed to stand by that Deity because it does serve a purpose – it leaves things unexplained and unexplainable to the simple human mind. Ghosts and apparitions could quite possibly be spirits who for one reason or another have found a way to communicate or be visible on multiple planes of existence. Perhaps that is another piece of knowledge gained along the way.

After all of this rambling and carrying on, I have only accomplished one thing. I have once again set up a system that enables my mind to grasp the enormity of the universe and life – I have in effect, created my own religion – like we people have been doing for eons and will continue to do until the end of time or our existence.

Closer...

We recently "SRP"ed for our unit going overseas. During SRP we had to do numerous things to prepare for our trip. Among those things was getting shots to keep us current in our immunizations. The good news is that if you can prove that you already had the shot, you don't have to get it again - the bad news is that the military system for tracking past innoculations is pretty crappy and you usually have to get shot again for the same thing.
This time, I managed to get a new shot that I've never had before and it sounds pretty nasty. It was the smallpox vaccination. They give you a bunch of speeches and information on how you can spread this to other parts of your body and really screw yourself up. Nice that they give this to you so close to when you leave so its one more thing to worry about when you are around you wife and kids in the last weeks before you leave - "will this give them smallpox?"

No matter how much we do to prepare, there is always more to do. Finally, all of our vehicles and trailers are out of the motorpool, but now we have to turn in our old equipment to a different place than we originally turned it in, so we have to un-turn it in to them and re turn it in to this other place. It would be nice to get a couple early days before we leave - but that's just me.

I suppose I'll have to register this blog with the powers that be so I can be monitored to ensure that I'm not violating any OPSEC or federal laws and regulations. I don't expect that to affect what I write much, because what are they going to do? Fire me? Of course, I don't intend to voilate any of the policies regarding information I put out, so it shouldn't be a big deal.

Another day closer and the pressure begins to mount. Every day is one less that I'll have with my family and is one more closer to being gone. I know this is hardest on my wife, who will have to deal with the kids alone while I'm gone. I just hope that the stress of impending separation doesn't interfere too much with enjoying the little time we have left together for awhile. I have a tendancy to downplay stressful situations when others around are showing the sign of stress - its a copng mechanism that I use to keep myself calm and hopefully calm the others down as well, but with her I think it just makes her more edgy because she thinks that its not emotionally impacting me, when of course it is. And everyday it gets harder to maintain the calm that is necessary to function. When I think about the separation, I get knots in my stomache and the butterflys that I associate with performing a solo on stage without practicing your lines - you know you are woefully unprepared, but have no choice to get out there and let t all hang out and hope for the best.


On another note: I had to turn on the word verification because I got two comments to my blog that I'm sure were automated. Its good to know that no one reads this.